Are you tired of the same relationships showing up in your life again and again, and ready to start attracting the right ones?
Relationships are challenging. In fact, if you have any close relationships that have not challenged you at some time or another, then something is desperately wrong.
But the beautiful thing about relationships, especially the more challenging ones, is that they actually deliver some of our most powerful lessons. And the people we have these relationships with are, in many ways, our greatest teachers. They illuminate our path to soul connections.
To find these soul connections, you have to be open to the lessons your current relationships have to teach you.
Here are 10 ways you can use the relationships you already have to help you find the ones you want most:
1. Embrace learning moments.
The first and most important step to cultivating more real and meaningful relationships is to embrace our lessons and our teachers as our path to growth and healing.
Often we attract challenging people and relationships because they bring attention to something within ourselves that needs healing. This could be a limiting belief or fear, likely the result of a painful past experience. Because most of these fears and limiting beliefs are subconscious, we don’t know we need to heal them.
We need to heal these fears, so we will keep attracting the relationships and people that trigger them so we can become aware of them.
Personally, it took me a long time to see what I was being taught, and even longer to be grateful for it. This is often the hardest part, as it usually requires you to be grateful for a situation or relationship that might have brought you pain.
By forgiving and being grateful for whatever pain you experienced, you are bringing healing to yourself and begin cultivating healthier and more loving relationships.
Reflect on your past relationships, especially the more challenging ones. Pinpoint the first time you ever felt that way, as well as every time since then that you can recall. Reflect on what these relationships were trying to bring to your attention, so you recognize them as blessings.
2. Be authentic.
In relationships with others, especially in the beginning stages, we start to bend to the other person’s needs and expectations.
Any relationship that we create with this person will be superficial and brief. But when we show up as our authentic self and allow our true personality to shine, we’ll attract someone who loves us exactly as we are. And isn’t that what we all ultimately want?
Lasting relationships allow us to be who we are at all times without any hesitation or reservation. Only then are we able to make true and soulful connections.
Embrace both your light and your dark as what makes you beautiful and unique. When you do this, you will know that the relationships that surround you are real and genuine, liberating you from the effort of pretending to be something you’re not.
Reflect on relationships in which you might not have been totally authentic. And although it might not be easy, it’s very important here that you be completely honest with yourself! Ask why you’re seeking the approval of others and how you might be doing things a little differently if you weren’t. Then keep these in mind so that you can act appropriately the next time you’re in a similar situation.
3. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable.
Sometimes we’re so afraid of disappointment that we put up a barrier of protection. When we create this energetic barrier, we’re signaling that we are not emotionally available. As a result, we attract those who are also emotionally unavailable.
If we want to find real and meaningful relationships, we have to get comfortable with being vulnerable. I can’t guarantee that you will never be hurt or disappointed again. It’s part of life. But I can guarantee you that being vulnerable is key to attracting real and meaningful relationships.
That’s not to say that you should get into relationships that are not healthy. You should always make sure that the other person has your best interest at heart. But do be open to sharing your heart just a little bit more each time it feels right. Should you lose a few people in the process, you can rest assured that they were never a good fit for you to begin with. Those who remain are the ones who appreciate you for you.
Reflect on where you feel you’re afraid to be vulnerable and how you’re protecting yourself. Ask yourself what you’re trying to protect yourself from and how you can slowly start to take little steps to move through that fear.
4. Love yourself more.
If you attract people who take advantage of you or don’t appreciate you, examine your own self-worth.
You should always be the most important person in your life. Once you are in a loving and supportive relationship with yourself, you will attract relationships that are equally loving and supportive. Loving yourself does not mean you’re selfish or that you deny others.
It is absolutely wonderful to be giving in our relationships. In fact, it’s one of the best reasons to be in a relationship in the first place. But it does mean that you must give to yourself as well. When you make sure that you are fulfilled, you have more of yourself to give to others. Plus, you put your happiness and fulfillment into your own hands rather than placing that burden on those around you.
Take some time to reflect on what your relationships can tell you about your relationship with yourself. Look for patterns and try to identify where and how you can give more to yourself so that you can begin to attract the people who will do the same.
5. Give value to things that have it.
Stop wasting your time and energy on relationships with people who don’t reciprocate. That doesn’t mean hating these people. It just means that you won’t exhaust yourself trying to keep people around who perhaps don’t really want to be there or are simply on their own path for now.
All relationships require a certain degree of work and nurturing, but if we give without receiving the same in return (remember that each person will exhibit different nurturing behaviors, so someone may just love you differently than you expect), we are creating an energetic imbalance. This actually pushes people away and creates friction rather than bringing them closer. So the best thing you can do is relax and focus more on the people who do value you.
That doesn’t mean you have to end the other relationships. It just means that you give them room to breathe. Although some relationships may drift away, you’ll know this means the relationship has served its purpose and no amount of pulling from you was going to keep this person in your life.
On the other hand, the relationship could blossom under the circumstances, and become even closer and more loving than ever before. Remember that in order to have a truly unconditionally loving relationship, both people must be completely free to be themselves and have their own individual experiences while coming together to find love and understanding within the relationship.
Identify where you feel as though you are chasing or trying to pull someone closer to you. Then identify people who are readily around and eager to enjoy your company. Give the former room to breathe, and focus on enjoying the company of those who are ready and willing to spend some time with you. By doing so, not only do you feel better, but you become a magnet for people who will value your company.
6. What you tolerate, you invite.
If we tolerate unkindness, we attract more of it.
Instead, take initiative on a particular situation or behavior that does not feel good to you by stopping it or by choosing to walk away from it. Of course, you always need to leave room for people to be who they are in any relationship. Only then can a relationship be a truly healthy one. However, if that behavior or relationship compromises your core values or integrity, you need to take action.
Start by telling that person with love and kindness how their actions make you feel, without blame and without anger. Try to have this conversation when you are calm and not in a heightened emotional state. Nothing good ever comes from such conversations. If, after confronting the person, the situation continues, then you might have no choice but to walk away.
Part of being loving is accepting people for who they really are. If who they really are is not in alignment with what you want or need, then you are both better off with other people. Love is not trying to mold someone into your idea of perfection. That creates resentment on both sides. When you truly love someone, you love them for exactly who they are and not who you hope they’ll become.
Determine which relationships are in alignment and which ones are not, and see if you can pinpoint the cause. Then think about how these relationships make you feel and how you can communicate that to the other persons with love and kindness. If you are not ready to have the conversation just yet, write a few letters to them, even if you don’t actually send them. In those letters, see if you can come up with an amicable resolution that is in the best interest of all. By doing so, you’ll know exactly what to say when it comes time to have these conversations.
7. Release attachment to the outcome.
Sometimes, we get so caught up in the outcome that we completely close ourselves off to other spectacular possibilities.
When we become fixated on who we should be in a relationship, we drastically limit the scope of what the universe can deliver. We also need to remember that real and meaningful relationships take time to develop so that both individuals can have the time and space to develop a true intimate connection.
These patterns of attachment are fear-based and will inevitably block you, either within a certain relationship or from other possibilities. Stay open to possibility. When you are in the habit of enjoying the moment, you attract more joyful moments.
Notice where you might be fixated or attached to a particular outcome. Make a list of what people or situations you are attached to and stop yourself from fixating on them. When you do find yourself thinking about them, simply take a deep breath and try to shift your focus to the present moment and find some joy in it, even if it’s just the little things. Never try to focus on not focusing on something. It’s self-defeating
8. Respect the energetic flow.
Often we try to push too hard when we feel that things are moving too slowly or we slam on the breaks when we feel that things are moving too fast. Everything has its own natural flow. Respect the flow at all times, and stay balanced internally.
If you keep running into snags and feel like you’re pushing too hard to make things happen, stop and respect that the person or situation might just need some time and space. You might even be the one who needs the space. If things are moving forward smoothly then just go with it while keeping a balanced perspective and a gentle pace.
If things are moving too quickly, there’s no need to reverse. Simply pause and try to maintain a steady pace that feels right. If the relationship is a healthy one, these approaches will be respected. If it is not a healthy one, then you just saved yourself from some major heartache in the future.
Take some time to reflect on which relationships seem to be flowing smoothly and which ones are not. Determine where you need to adjust your pace. Keep these adjustments in mind as you continue to bring these relationships into balance and flow.
9. Don’t settle for less.
Don’t settle just because you fear being alone. Our fear affects our judgment; compatibility can’t be measured through fear.
When you settle for less than your expectations, you block your expectations from ever coming to fruition. By expectations, I don’t necessarily mean someone who has x job, or makes x amount, or has x car, and is x feet tall. Rather I would like you to focus on how you would like to feel in the relationship, and what sort of values or characteristics are important for you in order to have a real and meaningful relationship. When you know what you want, you’ll set a powerful intention to attract the right relationship into your life.
Reflect on what you’re looking for in a relationship. Make a list of your top 10. Keep this list somewhere you can see it and practice feeling as though it already exists in your life. Knowing what we want is only half the battle. Already feeling as though we have it and being an energetic match for it is the other half.
10. Trust your instincts.
If you look back on any of your painful experiences, you’ll remember your intuition trying to nudge you even before you knew there was trouble in the relationship. Perhaps even before you got involved in the relationship in the first place.
We get so gun-shy because of our past relationships that we start to doubt or ignore our own internal alarm system. And we may even manage to convince ourselves somehow that we are making the right choice. When we do this, not only are we setting ourselves up for disappointment, but we are also diminishing the level of trust that we experience within our relationships, especially within the relationship that we have with ourselves.
Trust your intuition. It exists to align you with the greatest good of everyone involved. Intuition is like a muscle that grows with time and use.
Reflect on times you listened to your intuition and times you didn’t listen. Do this until you feel like you can trust yourself again. Then practice making everyday decisions using your intuition. Use it for things like trying to decide where to go for lunch or which class you would like to take at the gym. Keep it simple, and trust the first thing that comes to mind or the option that feels the best, either emotionally or physically. As you practice, your intuitive muscles will continue to grow stronger as will your ability to trust them.
Maria Pallas is a Master Spiritual Healer and Teacher who works with women to help them overcome the fears and limiting beliefs that keep them from making their dreams a reality, and…